I Will Die For You.

hi there.

i would like to get this out there because my mum isnt 1 for talking about this kind of stuff. it upsets her. and my dad is busy.

ok, i just read this book I Would Die For You and it really touched my heart. its a true story (like Rachael's Tears ) about some1 who lived his life truly for God.

BJ (thats the guys name) was just 15 years old, but he more faith, and did more for God, than most i know! he was amazing. 

the reason im writing this here is because BJ's life (especially some of the stuff on his blog and journals) really had me thinking and looking at myself. so i thought i could write down my thoughts here (no 1 reads them anyway, lol).

i use to think of myself as a christian growing up, but i didnt really understand just want it all ment. God was something i thought about on sunday. i remember the first time i really thought about jesus and understood was this one friday at easter when i was 8. i woke up early, and couldn't sleep. so i started to draw on the frosted window. i drew a cross and thought about jesus, and what he did at easter. its then when i first thanked God for his love for me. thanked him for dying for me.

but i very quickly went back to what i was doing before.

when i moved to NZ (when i was 1o) and started to go to my church (welcome bay community) i started to live my life the way i thought i was ment to. i didnt swear, i didnt steal, i tried not to lie. 

and it wasnt till i was 15 years old (2007) that i realized that i was living life with a mask. i was in a baptize class, getting ready to publicly testify of my promise to him, when i had not even given him my heart!

i gave my life to god (for real this time) on feb the 4th, 2007, and was baptized on feb the 18th of the same year.

for my first year my faith grew, then fell, then grew, then fell ect. i found that if i didnt write in my journal (got it as a gift when i was baptized) i would start to see that i was slipping again. 

my journal was very important to me.  it kept me on track, and helped me to think things through. i would write in it prayers to God and verses that i liked or didnt understand ect.

around late december, 2007, my journal ran out. i tryed getting a new 1, but found that it became a note book. it was used for things that it shouldnt have been. eventually i stopped using it, and slowly started to drift. before i knew it, it was march, and i was completely alone. i didnt read my bible and my relationship with God was more like a 'i love you, but im scared of hurting you, so id rather just ignor you'. how stupid was that?

then on april the 4th 2008, i got a book from the school library called I would die for you. it was BJ's book.

i read the hole thing in one day. i couldnt stop. in every chapter i found more than 1 amazing statement, or verse or story. a lot of the things that really hit me as important, im going to copy onto refill and stick onto my wall.

but it was in reading this book, and seeing how me an BJ had a similar background, and how a lot of the opportunities he took and used, i had but lost. i saw this and thought, what am i doing? i could have been so much closer to God if i just trusted him more, and would take the risk of giving my all to him.

its because of and/or through BJ and his parents (and every1 who was in the book) that i realized my stupidity tonight.

now my goal is to get back with God. yes my lips do sometimes lie, but with god, there are np half truths. there is only 100% truth. and i know that God will help me. 

isnt it strange, that a boy i never met, who lived in the USA, was 2 years older than me, and died when i was 14, could still minister to me. still convince me that love is a verb, and that God was still there, waiting for me to realize that he was still there, still loved me, and was willing to take the risk to have me. 

who knew.